This… is not what I could have anticipated for the first year of the second 50 years of my life. I spent all last year thinking and removing what wasn’t working for me and this year… even much of the stuff that was working for me up and was unavailable For Reasons.
I’ve walked Flora a lot. Very Carefully seen friends a tiny bit, at a distance, masked. But it feels like people, the friendships that I’ve been working hard to maintain, are fading back into the mist again. And I’m tired too.
More and more, the thought crosses my mind, that while I may have things I want to say, to talk about, why would anyone else want to talk about them or hear my thoughts on them. I don’t anticipate anyone will see this, nor will I post it elsewhere. Everyone has had a really hard year - even when I’m having a hard time, anyone I’d turn to for comfort is also having a hard time and there only seems to be room for comfort to flow in one direction and it is from, not to, me. My cup feels very empty and I don’t know how to refill it.
Tiktok feels like people throwing threads of lifelines out to the world at large. Facebook feels sticky & heavy. Instagram feels like the artifice of glamor. Twitter feels… disparate and scattershot.
I’m tired and sad. There are probably things I should be working on. I even know what some of them are and… I probably won’t do them. At least not right now. Probably not today. Maybe not ever.